Life,

Life, every time I think I’ve figured it out, it changes the bloody meaning of itself.

I still remember the time when I got my first salary, thought that, I would save for first 2 months and then spend. So I went ahead and saved some money for first 2 months, but only find that saved money vanishing in paying my education loan. Then I cursed my self for not saving enough, so started being more n more miser. In the process, something had happened, I never realized it until it was too late for me to do anything about it. (at least I thought it was too late). I forgot to live, or even enjoy the smaller moments of life. I mean I never enjoyed my First salary !!!, something I was waiting to do ever since I joined college, or got the job.

I never knew what or why this happened, but it did happen. So after that I thought that, ok, from now I will spend a lot over me, and let the life control what it can control. So I did spend some on me, but again I felt little bad for not being able to save much, for, home, loan, etc.

Right from the very begening, there had been two of me, at all the times, on every moment. There is a part of me, who wants to live life king size. Be free, enjoy the spoils of life, Go for an adventure, holiday, enjoy, have fun for a change !!!. I wanted to learn Guitar and look sexy !!!, jump from a cliff, visit a wildlife sanctuary, and what not. This list just won’t end.

But I have never been able to live the life which I wanted or dreamn’t about. And there is no one whom I can blame for this. It’s me and only me, who can be held responsible, if I feel sad, and down today for not being able to …. “Live” . . .

There have been people in my life who had always taught me something. One of my seniors in professional life, said to me, “.. Swadesh, there will be a time for saving money in life, but that time is not today. I never saw you Living, you are just surviving and nothing else. Go out, have fun, make a list of your dreams and try to fulfill them. Go the places you dream of, take your wife and go to a holiday often. The moment, the time which you have today, will never come again, ..live Swadesh, just live…”

I never forgot his words, but my mind doesn't allow me to ….to Live. I have to save for my Wife's priorities, family’s needs, expenses which are never ending, and the expectations that has only one way to go, UP. I want to live, but how , just how ? The moment I think of spending the money of my or our dreams, I start feeling that I need to save the money for future. Yes that Future, which I have no idea what’s it’s going to be like. But I have to save for it. How much? Don’t know. Will it be enough? Don’t know. But what I do know is that, I just have to save. And for that, I need to pay the price. I won’t be able to enjoy my Present. I won’t be able to live. And some where I think I’m ready for it, there is a big part of me which Is ready to accept it. I guess It has already accepted it. And maybe that’s why I’m not able to , spend or stop worrying so much about my future.

It’s now that I realize that I’m spending too much of my Time & Energy for my future, which I don’t even know. Even today, when I’m writing about it, I’m worried that how to save more and more. Without realizing that, no matter how much I save, it will never be enough. Now I realize that I’m afraid, yes, I’m really afraid that what will happen if I’m not able to save enough. Every time I step out to spend or buy something for myself,  or pick up something from shelf in a store, I put it back the next moment, fearing that I might over spend. That very moment I start to think hard that do I really need that thing. And 9.9 times out of 10, I will come back empty handed.

I want to change myself. I want to live my life for once. I want to be free; I want to feel something good about myself. I've got no idea what or how am I going to do that, but, I really want to do it. May be I can ask for help or advice. But I know what people will say, so I guess I won’t share it.

I know that I can and I should share it with my Wife but, I even know her reaction !!!, she would instantly say Yes to all what I want to spend on. After all she bought me my own First Guitar !!!.

I wonder, will there be a moment, which I will spent without a regret.